Cowards · die · many · times · before · their · deaths

KACI! I edited a pic of you and I wanted you to see it..so here it is.

Before

After

I don't want to be told that it will get better...that way, I won't be disappointed when it gets worse. I'm fed up with most of the people around me but most of all i'm fed up with myself. I've never felt so weak and helpless. I've never felt like I can't make my own decisions and I never thought i'd be the kind of person to give into something that I really didn't want to do just so that I wouldn't hurt the other person. I'm so pitiful that i'd rather hurt myself instead....but it's better to be selfless right? I shouldn't always think about what I want...I must take the other person's feelings into consideration...that's the "correct" thing to do or so i've been taught. All I know, is that being selfless doesn't really give me the satisfaction that it should. In fact, I feel more ashamed and disgusted than anything...I can never get back what I held so dear to me...and I hate myself for letting it go.

I was reading some of my old poems..and dude..they suck..I should be ashamed of myself for posting them..anyway..I decided to post something since I haven't posted anything in a good while..the only thing that is really going on with me..is that i'm so stressed...I don't really want to go into detail as to why..I just am.

Wow, I haven't posted in a very very long time...but of course I need to rant and complain. Maybe i'm just jealous...but I have never felt so betrayed....she's suppose to be MY friend, and you bitches are ripping her away from me...now, whenever I try to escape from my house to go somewhere where I feel safe, she's not THERE! She doesn't understand that her home is like my haven. I need her when I feel alone or unwanted...now i'm left behind...i'm unwanted by her...

This is a wonderful song!!!!!!!!

Wow, I was reading all of my old entries and I found some of the old stuff that I have written. Some of it is actually pretty good and some of it should just be deleted, but i'm not going to do that. It was nice to look back on the memories....even though some of them are bad. It's so weird how most of the stuff I wrote, foreshadowed my life on how it is now. ooooh Maybe i'm psychic.

I am going to vent. I don't know what I want anymore! One minute I miss him, the next I hate his guts and now i'm regreting everything..i'm so confused. I want to apologize so badly, but i'm afraid he won't accept it. I hate this..he won't even look at me. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me and it hurts. It makes me think that everything he said was a lie. And you know what else is stupid? I can't help but think that all of this is my fault. I was the one who broke up with him. I didn't want to, but he made it seem like that was what he had wanted. I should have just talked to him about it..but he probably would have got mad at me for even thinking something like that. Why did he have joke about breaking up with me? Why would he WANT to joke about breaking up with me?..He should have know what that would have done to me..oh my gosh and I told him everything..now he knows my secrets..except for the one that I have now, I still love him and I hate myself for it, because I know he has moved on..but not me..i'm still here, feeling regret. I want to talk to him, but he doesn't hardly say anything when I try..maybe I should just give up. I promised him that I wouldn't leave him and I meant it. I'm always here anytime he needs me..but he promised me that he wouldn't ever leave me either, I guess that was lie or maybe he is hurting to..I don't know what to believe anymore.

How did I celebrate Halloween? I did absolutely nothing :)

wow it has been awhile since I have posted...I will be honest though...I just didn't have anything to write about, and I still don't...my journal was just looking a little empty and it needed something to make it look alive.. :)

Well my parents have found out about my cuts :( they threatened to ground me, send me to therapy and make my school year a horrible one...what a great way to handle a situation like that.....but anyway..they are okay with it now cause I told them wouldn't do it anymore cause I always felt bad after I did it..I was just like "oh crap, now I have to cover it up and pray that they never find it" but they did.......and it didn't go very well..but i'm all cool now..

This is Keely

This is Caitlyn

It's me

It's me and Steph

woo me again

Don't ask

we were really bored...

This stupid thing won't let me post it so nevermind.

here's the link if you want to listen to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXOz6TYt9rI